Friday, October 30, 2009

Zombies vs Vampires

There is a battle raging inside me. I have evaded this question for much too long. The answer to this eternally mysterious and unsolved question is weighing on me because I know that in order to continue being a fantasy writer, I must know the answer to it. I must finally admit to myself and to the world. And in doing so, I  feel as though I am denying my womanhood and femininity but it must be said:


Why? Why? I’ll tell you why: Zombies have and will always be the epitome and the very essence of awesomeness.
(Because vampires have gone up and down on the coolness scale over the past hundreds of years while zombies have reserved a seat of awesomeness and fear in all of our hearts for decades.)
I also don’t like that vampires feel a need to change up their style ever few hundred years. I mean, the first vampire wasn’t even called a vampire—it was called an Upir Lichy.
Upir Lichy???
Anyway, in 1710, a vampire hysteria broke out in East Prussia. You know those East Prussians, they just love Robert Pattinson. But unlike the recent vampire hysteria, people were actually terrified of vampires, not wishing with all of their being that they really did exist so that they could bite them and subsequently live for eternity with them. Unfortunately, back then, vampires didn’t have impressively sculpted hair or drive a Volvo. They looked something like this:

GAHH!! That's no Edward Cullen!

And then in 1897, Bram Stroker came out with the book, Dracula.

^^^ The original Stephanie Meyer (only better)

Then in 1931, the movie Dracula was made and by that time, vampires looked like this:

And then in 1971, they looked like this:

And now finally, in 2008 they magically turned into this:

Oh, Edward Cullen, how will we ever understand the mysteries and wonders of your incredible overestimation, your overvalued and creepy ways, or your unjustifiably big hair?

Now with that being said, look at this:

Zombies then:

Zombies now:


Don't get me wrong, I still find myself in a shameful love/hate relationship with vampires--I just can't bring myself to fully say that they suck. So while 2008's version of vampires may win the 'Hotness' award and the 'Just Okay' award, the 'Overall Awesomeness For Forever and Ever' goes to zombies. Congrats, zombies, you deserve it. :)


Sidney said...

YEAH! Zombies totally rule. But you know, There are different kinds of zombies. You've got your traditional 'living dead' zombie. Slow, usually green, and fairly decomposed.
But the biggest craze today is the 'infected' zombies. Fresh zombies that are Alot faster and feed on human brain.
I'm gonna be a zombie for Halloween:D I'll have to send you some pics.

Lyssa said...

yeah that's true. infected zombies are way cooler.

Lizzy said...

I agree that vampires now a days are stupid looking. Edward Cullen is not hot.
But I still like vampires better x]