Friday, November 13, 2009

Vampires Again. I Just Keep Coming Back

   As you might already be aware, I’m quite interested in the subject of fictional creatures. There are many creatures that I am fond of such as werecats, zombies, and dryads and many that I don’t like such as unicorns and elves (they’re so overrated). But one creature I have not been able to come to terms with is, of course, the vampire.
   My relationship with vampires has always been a bumpy one. The problem is—I used to think that vampires were cool.
   Until Stephanie Meyer went and screwed them up.
   Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a gorgeous, arousing, smart, funny, athletic, amazing, perfect vampire—that’s the problem.
   There are no people like that in real life!
   So I find myself utterly disappointed at the thought of such a creature because I will never find anyone that amazing and perfect to be completely in love with me—which may or may not have anything to do with the trusting in God post below. ;)
   I feel as though these fictional creatures are doing a great disservice to the female population because these women will search their whole lives for a guy who writes songs for them, watches them while they sleep, and has unforgivably big hair. But they’ll never find them—because they don’t exist.
   I don’t understand! You don’t have a problem not believing in the cool stuff like wood nymphs and phoenixes and suddenly some weird, obsessive, and totally creepy vampire comes along and you’re all ready to throw away everything for him.
   So, you vampires who are reading this right now, I haven’t figured out if I like you yet—despite the fact that you allow me to come up with an unjustifiable amount of puns like this:

Dear Vampires,
   It’s really killing me (1) to have to write these words. I have tried to like you but I can’t pretend anymore. I feel like our relationship has come to a dead (2) end. I tried to read books about you, but I just couldn’t sink my teeth into them (3). I just don’t love you like the rest of the world does. Bite me. (4) You just pale (5) in comparison to creatures like dryads and werecats, you’re just so lifeless (6) compared to them. I’m sorry but you make a really sucky (7) boyfriend because you’re so perfect, you turn a cold (8) shoulder to me when I tell you about my human problems. I just don’t think this is going to work out, especially since you’re not real. So basically what I’m saying is that you suck (9).

   So despite the fact that hate vampires for all the trouble and havoc they cause to young and impressionable teenage girls who are dumping their perfectly good boyfriends and/or husbands left and right because they are in love with a fictional creature that’s main intent is to suck people’s blood, they’re fun to make fun of (and they’re totally hot). So I keep them around. I’m not ready to break up with them just yet. :)

   "Robert Pattinson, you may be nothing but a series of constructions made up by people who love you, but you're still real in my heart." -John Green


Kaylee said...

lol i think i'm a fail blog addict - but this make me laugh every time. :)
<3 ya!

Sarah said...

OMG. This made me smile. :) Love youuuu!! And I love your writing too. :)